Robin’s Top 10 Tips for Avoiding Pig Flu… I had to.
Read on for Robin’s guide to avoiding pig flu. See how taking these simple steps will not only protect yourself against the virus, but can also help you lose weight, save money and stay sober!!
- Avoid jail bait- Chances are those catholic school girls and sexy co-eds are all fresh back (or have recently had a threesome with two other people who are fresh back) from spring break. And what is the most popular spring break destination, kids? MEXICO!
- Put down the burger, fat ass- Stay away from any places where there is excessive touching involved in food prep, i.e.- Burger King, McDonalds, Chipotle, Subway and pizzeria’s. In fact, think about who generally prepares those juicy morsels. MEXICANS! And if they don’t employ Mexicans, they probably employ 16-20 something year olds, i.e., spring breakers.
- Evolve- Don’t eat foods that require you to eat with your hands. Try a little etiquette and use utensils if you have a choice.
- Go green my ass!- Don’t be afraid to contribute a little pollution to this soon to be plagued world, and drive to work! Fill up the tank while gas is cheap and stay off the subways. Those train car poles carry more diseases than stripper poles do.
- Don’t touch- Avoid hand shaking. If you must greet someone with bodily contact, try chest bumping instead. Makes for an exciting time when saying good morning to your office crush.
- Don’t be a slut- Stop swapping spit on the weekends at the club and watch your chances of survival soar! Kissing is the number one way to transmit sickness, not to mention herpes.
- Make it a Bud Light- And while you’re at that club fending off the skanks, stick with ordering good ol’, cheap beer. No one wants to sip Henny from a swine flu infested glass that wasn’t washed properly by the MEXICAN bar back. However, if you heed my warning and have a beer, avoid Corona and Dos Equis… And if you MUST order anything other than beer, tell Jose Cuervo to go ef himself.
- Consider communism, and just say no- According to an NBC news channel article published last year, flu germs can live on money for up to THREE days! Do you know what else also reportedly sticks to dollar bills? COCAINE, mañ! Dozens of studies in the past decade have shown that a majority of bills in various U.S. cities tested positive for traces of cocaine. So, while getting high off of a crack head’s sloppy seconds may sound appealing at a time like this, think twice before sniffing yourself some of that H1N1 laced nose candy.
- Sterilize yourself- Sure, washing hands is a great way to stay safe, but so is a vasectomy! Children are a breeding ground for germs, especially the flu. They’re also expensive, noisy and distracting.
- Invest- Let’s direct our attention now to the original “patient 0”. The economy. Before swine flu kicks the economy while it’s down, why not help stimulate it by investing… in PURELL. That stuff is flying off the shelves of every Duane Reade and Rite Aid in town. Whatever dividends you make will more than likely pay for your stock pile of Tamiflu, which in turn will protect you if you failed to follow the above 9 tips. (NYSE: PFE & JNJ)
Robin
